Jane, The Real Story

Modern Decor

We almost flipped when we saw the article about The Jane Hotel
on the front page of the NY Times yesterday after just having stayed
there last week. Our experience was more garlicky than the Times rose
garden view. Every time we went to the bathroom there was some bald
short stoney faced Ukranian assassin in a shorty hotel issued robe,
think butt cheek high, will he off me or brush his teeth? It wasn't
very pleasant, I don't care what anybody says. Every venture into the
hallway met with some sordid interaction with a lowercase practitioner
of the human race. Then there was the 4 am African American call girl
with a too short tight skirt and Jimmy Choo heels. Be aware there are
people spending the last of their lifetimes here, the twilight of their
lifetimes. Our across the hall  neighbor appeared to be a "lifer " who
kept his door ajar at night with the radio on low and apparently
blowing the smoke from multiple packs of lucky strikes out the open
backside window. Our hastened exits to the restrooms/showers at the end
of the hall appeared to lure him from his hole as he seemed to show in
the restroom quite often at the same time we did, was this timing or
just fate? The West side highway nearby (we could see it from our
window) without ear plugs sounded like the back straight of Monza,
Indianapolis, or the Nurburg Ring… (take your pick), 2 ounces of
firmly pressed silicon, almost touched my brain, crammed hard into my
ear, only served to slightly muffle the din. After 3 nights of not
sleeping, sweaty tossing and turning, and the lysergic acid-like trips
down the dimly lit hallways followed by "the lifer" and Russian hit
men, had us feeling like we were in a B grade Euro movie. The free
hotel issued flip flops immediately broke from my feet while all of the
greedy floor bound fungi loudly applauded, while rushing towards the
crevices of my toes. However, we did receive free amazingly functional
toothbrushes with accompanying micro-tubes of Marvis toothpaste
(deluxe!) after ours were stolen from the camp shower. Size can be an
issue when considering your survival at the Jane or at least the
possession of some training in disarming a bald Ukranian assassin. I
had nightmares of being stabbed in the jugular vein with my recently
stolen brightly colored toothbrush. Being trendy in a war zone doesn't
always work. Check in/out was incredibly efficient and the price is
unbeatable $89/night just bring your horror filter. Their slogan "The
Jane: For a night or a lifetime" made us muse that our 3 nights felt
like a lifetime. Will we go back, you know what, probably, the price is
right and the adventures provided great material for our new journeys
into the written presentation of sketch New York.

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